However, I seemed to have forgotten in that moment when I lost myself in my own thoughts that I in fact do terrible under a lack of routine. I started suffering from anxiety around four years ago. It started with the odd panic attack here and there but then it quickly developed into chronic anxiety that I just can't seem to shift. To be perfectly honest it's a hell of a pain in the arse.
I text my friends and most of them are relaxing, watching television, reading, going on holidays and just loving summer as they most definitely should - God knows that we work damn hard at uni while we're there. Despite this, it seems as though my mind can't help itself but whizz around 24 hours a day seven days a week looking for ways to keep me busy and to just simply beat me up. By this I mean that sometimes my mind falls into a rather annoying place where all it can do is put me down - you're not smart enough, you need to be doing more, get your act together, you're way too fat. The last one is the one that gets me down the most. It really isn't the nicest place to be and it's just exhausting.
Looking back, I definitely wasted my July away worrying about the most pointless things. That's the thing, at the time they most certainly do not seem like the most pointless things. In fact they seem like the most important things in the world. After my friend Ellie came to visit I made a promise to myself to just chill. Just stop. Just breathe. I have been getting a bit better. Hell, I even watched a whole film in two sittings the other day - that's a breakthrough.
My constant need to 'do' something got a little crazy a few months ago when I found myself exercising everyday of the week (this went on for a few weeks/months). Not just a walk here or there but running 6-10 miles a few times a week, cycling and lifting weights. This wasn't the problem - I am used to working out a lot, the issue was the fact that I was not eating. I just felt sick all the time and for a few weeks I would only really eat porridge and watermelon which is not the best diet in the world. Despite this lack of eating I continued to exercise the same amount. Until last week that is. Last Friday evening I found myself lying on my bed feeling the worst that I had felt in a very long time with a wet cloth on my forehead just praying to feel better.
Earlier in the day I ran 8 miles on a completely empty stomach and completely exhausted. When I arrived home I only ate some watermelon and a few slices of toast. I felt horrific.
That was a turning point. That is when I told myself that things had to change. No more am I going to waste my days worrying about uncontrollable and totally ridiculous things. I mean, I probably will but I am going to work hard not to. No more am I going to exercise myself into exhaustion which I am still getting over. I am going to enjoy what remains of summer. I am going to (attempt) to stop bullying myself. Also I am going to try my hardest to lift this immense pressure that I put on myself and just go with the flow more. So what if I sit on the sofa all day watching The Mindy Project. So what if I get up at half 9 rather than 8am. It's the God Damn holidays!
I think that people sometimes forget the pressures that are placed on young people these days and how that affects them. What I as a young person must remember is that the only thing you can do is your best and if that isn't good enough for some people then just move on - their not worth your time. I will soon be heading into my third and last year of university and by no means do I know what I want to do with my life but that is actually ok. You've just got to enjoy the ride because this is the only life you're going to have so you might as well just relax and be happy.
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